I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
