so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
