I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
