i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
