im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just cropdusted the office
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
