While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
