I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
