I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
