i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You smell like stripper and shame
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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