i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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