The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
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