Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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