He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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