Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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