Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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