Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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