Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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