just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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