Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
