a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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