Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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