We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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