just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
