So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
