My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
