my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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