you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
