Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
jump out the window naked night went bad
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
