Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Oh god it's open bar.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
