something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
