we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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