I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
