Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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