dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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