It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
