it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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