The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
