My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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