dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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