he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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