don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
