Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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