My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
