I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
