I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize