Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize