My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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