is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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