Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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