So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
birth control should be required to get into college
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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