apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
