I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
