the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize