So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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