There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize