Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
