I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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