dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
