I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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